


Eyes on Me

by DRHPaints



Category: Actor RPF, American (US) Actor RPF, Bill Hader - Fandom, Bill Hader RPF, John Mulaney - Fandom, John Mulaney RPF, Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety Disorder, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, M/M, One Shot, Pining, Saturday Night Live References, Smut, Stefon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:08:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26265499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRHPaints/pseuds/DRHPaints
Summary: John helps Bill with his anxiety before performing a Stefon sketch. After, they go back to Bill’s dressing room where they discover a long-held attraction for one another.
Relationships: Bill Hader/John Mulaney
Kudos: 23





	Eyes on Me

Shaking out his hands, Bill paced back and forth, puffing out his cheeks. Anxious, as per usual. 

“You got this, Bill.” John smiled at him.

Eyes darting everywhere, Bill’s fists continued to shoot violently toward the floor as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Thanks, buddy.” Bedecked in the Stefon get up, consisting of the side-swoop haircut wig, Ed Hardy shirt, handful of rings, and just a touch of eyeliner, John once again found his gaze trailing after Bill as he did a small circuit in the wings. Approaching John, Bill placed both of his large hands on the sides of his head and spoke in an oddly flat voice. “I. Am. So. Nervous.” John knew it helped Bill sometimes to just say the words, and as he let go of his face and continued his circulation, John frowned.

When he came back around, John placed a hand on one of his broad shoulders. “Bill, look at me.” Getting his cobalt blue eyes to stop shifting, Bill focused and John spoke to him in a direct manner. “Bill, it’s just anxiety, okay? You’re just anxious.” Nodding, Bill’s breathing slowed a hair. “When you’re out there…” John gestured with his head toward the stage. “Just look at me, alright?” Bill glanced at the stage then back at John. “You’re performing only for me.” Smiling, John patted his shoulder. “It’ll be just like in my office, alright?” 

Bobbing his head quickly, Bill’s fingers tapped his thigh. “Yeah, yeah, alright...I can do that.”

“And remember, I don’t care if you mess up.” John shrugged. “No matter what, I’m still going to be proud of you.”

A strained smile crossed Bill’s face. “Thanks, buddy. I needed that.” Hand touching John’s arm, Bill stared into his cerulean eyes curiously for a second before glancing from side to side, and all of a sudden John was drawn into a bone crushing hug.

“Thanks, John.” 

Bill was nearly squeezing the life out of him, but John could feel his body trembling, so he rubbed his broad back softly. “Oh, um...alright. You’re welcome, Bill.” Feeling the heat rise in his face as Bill let him go, they called places and Bill began to walk away toward the chair.

“Oh hey Bill, one more thing.” John pulled a piece of paper from his back pocket.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Handing it to him, Bill looked down to see a picture of Taylor Negron, on which John had written, ‘ _ Thanks for never making fun of me on the show. Love, Taylor Negron.’  _ With an audacious, loopy signature. Doubling over in giggles, Bill covered his eyes then righted himself, only to glance at the picture and start giggling again.

Tilting his head and meeting John’s eye, his face spread into that crooked, goofy grin he adored. “Oh fuck  _ you _ , buddy.” Before he shoved the picture against John’s chest, shaking his head and giggling again as he strolled to the chair.

John watched as Bill performed, and as promised, he was determined to be a touchstone for him throughout the sketch. Today Stefon was offering different Christmas options for New York tourists, and as Bill was pushed out, nearly ramming into Seth like usual, John smiled.

Always amazed at what Bill could do with his voice and face, he was able to take a flat line like, ‘ _ Do I have to?’  _ and make it sparkle. Bill began to crack a little when he had to deliver the line, ‘ _ a glimpse into Seth Meyers’  _ which was no surprise, as anytime he got too flirty with Seth, Bill was overcome with giggles, something that made John wonder...

John knew Seth was straight, so he wasn’t jealous per se, but after more than two years Bill was still a mystery. Radiating queer energy, Bill was constantly cast as ‘the gay guy’ in almost every sketch imaginable, and people asked Bill if he was gay all the time. Always denying, Bill shrugged it off, said he was ‘just flamboyant.’ But John rarely saw him date, and sometimes he  _ swore _ Bill was flirting with him, though he didn’t have the courage to call him on it yet.

Observing him, for this particular Stefon installation, since it was the holidays, John and Bill decided to do a spin on the 12 Days of Christmas song. Well, John decided, really. Bill hated being made to do anything even remotely related to singing on the show, and John knew it was a little cruel, but the idea was a solid one and Bill delivered it beautifully.

First breaking on Day 6: The PuertoScreechans (Puerto Rican Screech’s) John chuckled and covered his mouth, certain of what was coming. Sure enough, when Bill reached the second day of Christmas and instead of two turtle doves, it was  _ Tay-lor Neg-ron. _ Breaking yet again, John had to clamp a hand to his face to stifle the laughter.

When Bill leaned on his elbow and said to Seth, ‘ _ lay it on me, my man, what’s your question?’  _ a sentence so definitively un-Stefon in nature, yet delivered in the Stefon voice, John lost it. And he never recovered as he listened to Bill’s description of their Human Parking Cone, Bill catching his eye and falling apart, both hands over his face as he giggled uncontrollably. 

After, Seth asked him if he wanted to do something ‘normal’ for Christmas and Stefon expressed his dismay at having no plans. Seth then invited Stefon over. John was caught off guard when Bill tossed in the line, ‘ _ I’m on top’ _ with a devilish grin that made him itchy all over.

Sketch coming to an end, Bill looked off camera at John, smiling and shaking his head while rubbing his hands together and John beamed. 

Walking off stage, Bill let his head fall back, eyes closed, and John rubbed his shoulder. “See? It went great. Everybody loved it.”

“I stumbled on two of the words.” Bill frowned, looking at the floor.

Closing his eyes, John shook his head. “Bill, no one notices that stuff except for you.” Eyes shifting, Bill shrugged. “Seriously Bill.” John cupped the back of his head, staring into his dark blue eyes. “ _ Trust me. _ ” With a half smile, Bill nodded and they made their way to his dressing room.

Walking in, Bill closed the door behind them and turning around to face him, John noticed his eyes were shifting almost as much as before the show. “You know, John, um…” Bill chewed on his lower lip. “You really helped me out today.”

“Oh, it’s no problem.” Shrugging, John grinned. “I mean, I know what it’s like to get anxious on stage and everything. Happy to help.”

Bill took a few steps toward him, and suddenly John was extremely aware of how close he was. He was able to see every one of Bill's long eyelashes. “No, really, um…” Looking at the ceiling, Bill took a deep breath and blinked rapidly, holding his arms straight at his sides. “It means a lot to me that I can, uh…” Swallowing, Bill’s gaze sought the floor before he continued. “I can fail in front of you and I know…” Blue eyes locking into his own, Bill stared at him unblinkingly. “I know you’ll still be there for me.”

Heart pounding, John licked his lips, nodding. “Of...of course, Bill. I’ll always be here for you.” 

Tentatively inching toward him, John froze as Bill’s nervous, tall frame approached, closing his eyes for half a moment and dipping forward, light pink lips pecking John’s for the briefest of seconds before he rocked back on his heels and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Processing, John blinked rapidly, eventually raising a hand to scratch the back of his head. “Uh...Bill?”

“Yeah, John?” Clenching his teeth, Bill stared at the floor.

John studied him. “Can I...can I ask why you did that?”

“Well…” Bill chewed on his lip, shifting his weight back and forth. “I’ve wanted to for a while and, um…” He bobbed his head, swallowing. “I thought I should at least, you know...try.” Nose flaring, his vast shoulders curled in on themselves and John saw a pink hue rise in his pallid cheeks. “I’m sorry…”

Stepping toward him, John cupped his sharp jaw. “Oh Bill, no, you don’t have to be sorry.” He smiled and Bill’s eyes slowly rose to meet his face. “I liked it...I was just confused.”

“...really?” Searching his face, Bill’s shoulders relaxed a little. 

John nodded, grinning. “Yeah. Bill…” Taking a deep breath, John licked his lips. “I wish you would’ve kissed me  _ ages _ ago.” Smiling, their lips met, mouths opening under one another as Bill’s hand hooked around the back of John’s neck, drawing him in as he tilted his head to better explore. 

Walking him backwards, John was surprised by Bill’s eagerness given his previous nerves, but he wasn’t complaining as he laid back on the couch. Bill settled on top of him, a large hand sneaking under John’s shirt to caress his chest, the varied Stefon rings grazing his skin as he rubbed his growing erection against John’s thigh.

John broke away from their kiss. “Wait.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Bill retracted his hand with an expression of alarm. “Am I going too fast?”

Chuckling, John polished one of his prominent cheekbones. “No, no, not at all. I just wanted to make sure the door was locked.”

“Oh.” Smiling, Bill nodded. “Right.” Hopping up, he flipped the lock before resuming his position atop John. Spreading his legs, John made room for Bill, who bore down hard against him, erections creating friction through their jeans that caused John to moan softly into Bill’s mouth. 

“Fuck, John, you’re so sexy.” Bill breathed, pulling back to kiss down his extended neck as he ground himself into John’s crotch.

Panting, John’s pressed a kiss to Bill’s sculpted jaw. “You too. I’ve wanted you for so long, Bill.”

“Damn, I wanna fuck you so badly, John.” Resting their foreheads together, Bill took a deep, shuddering breath, stopping his movement. “Sorry, um..” He came up on one hand. “I shouldn’t have said that. We don’t have to do anything tonight. I’m in no rush.”

John traced his lower lip. “I want you to fuck me, Bill.”

“Yeah?” Bill raised an eyebrow.

Nodding, John smiled. “Yeah, but, um…” He looked around the room. “I don’t have a condom.” He pulled a face.

“Shit.” Sitting back, Bill rested his hands on his thighs. “I don’t either.” Bill stared off into the middle distance for a moment, before leaning over and pinching the bridge of his nose. “But I think I know who does.” Sighing, he stood up and pointed at John’s shoulder bag. “Can I take this?”

Confused, John got up on his elbows. “Uh, sure, but Bill, what’re you…?”

Throwing the bag across his body and adjusting it to hide his erection, Bill glanced down at himself and nodded in approval. “Okay, be right back.” Taking a deep breath as he opened the door, John though he heard him mutter. ‘ _ Fuck, this is going to be awkward.’  _ Before it closed behind him.

Scurrying down to the appropriate dressing room, Bill raised a hesitant fist, holding his breath and knocking. After some shuffling from within, the door opened to reveal the smiling face of Kristen Wiig. “Hey Bill, what’s up?” 

“Hey…” Bill grinned uncomfortably. “So….I need a favor.”

Tilting her head, Kristen leaned to one side. “Sure, what’s up?” She opened the door a little and Bill attempted to wedge himself inside so no one would hear.

“Okay, so…” Holding out a hand, voice low, Bill appealed to her. “I, um...I need something, and I need you to not ask me why, okay?”

Kristen laughed. “What, you need me to kill somebody or something, Bill?”

Puffing out his cheeks and exhaling slowly, Bill couldn’t look at her. “I need a...condom...actually.” Folding his lips under, Bill tapped his fingers on the surface of John’s bookbag as a smirk spread over Kristen’s face.

“Oh  _ really? _ ” Opening her mouth, Kristen batted her eyes at him dramatically.

Bill sighed in exasperation. “Yes, please. If you have one.”

Chuckling, Kristen nodded. “Yeah, I think I might. Hang on.” Going to her mirror table, Kristen rummaged in her purse, unearthing a condom and holding it out to Bill. When he went to grab it, however, she snatched back her hand. “So you’re not going to tell me who it is?” Smiling mischievously, she passed the condom to him after all.

“Maybe later.” Bill grinned. “Thank you. Really.”

Patting his shoulder, Kristen winked. “No problem, have fun.”

Shaking his head and giggling, Bill strode hastily back to his dressing room, closing and locking the door behind him. “What was that, Bill?” John asked curiously when he came in brandishing the condom.

“Had to go to Kristen.” Bill rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her anything.” 

Nodding, John smiled as Bill set the condom on the coffee table while he fused their mouths together once more, both of them scrambling to undo each other’s jeans and pausing to separate, shrugging out of them along with their boxers and kicking off their shoes. Sitting back on the couch, Bill gratefully accepted John into his lap when he straddled him.

“Oh fuck Bill,  _ touch me. _ ” John begged and Bill’s sizable hand surrounded his cock, beginning to jerk wildly. Reaching for Bill’s thick cock, John was denied when Bill stilled his wrist and shook his head. After a couple of minutes of Bill pulling on him and tipping his hips forward into the warmth of his palm, John moaned against Bill’s ear. “Fuck Bill, put your fingers in me, please.  _ Please! _ ”

Spitting into his hand to lube them as much as possible, Bill rubbed his fingertips over John’s hole, examining his face. “You ready?”

“Yeah.” John nodded eagerly.

Bill glanced down. “How...how many do you want?”

“Two, please.” Inserting his fingers, Bill watched as John’s eyes fell closed and his curvaceous mouth dropped open when he twirled inside, flicking his prostate. Resting his hands back on Bill’s knees, John began driving himself down on his fingers as Bill tugged on his cock. 

“ _ Oh Bill, yes! Just like that! _ ” Biting his lower lip, John let his head fall back and moaned as he came apart under the ministrations of Bill’s big hands. 

Tension building, John ceased. “Okay,” Gasping, he nodded his head. “I want you inside me, Bill.” Balancing on one arm, he grasped behind and retrieved the condom from the table, handing it to Bill, who rolled it over himself. In lieu of lube, the two of them combined their saliva, smearing as much of it as possible over Bill’s cock and a bit over John before he positioned himself above Bill.

Sinking down, John gasped at the stretch and Bill bent forward, clutching John’s body close as the intense pressure surrounded him. “Oh  _ fuck, _ John.” Groaning, it took a moment before Bill could lean back and breathe. Once he did, John began to bounce. The sensation of Bill’s thick cock filling him, especially after all those times he’d spent imagining it, was divine as John drove himself down, Bill’s hand flashing over his cock as he held the curve of John’s hip and thrust.

“ _ Yes! Bill! Fuck me! Yes! _ ” John fought to keep himself quiet, more than aware they were not alone on the floor, but was finding it difficult as he pistoned his thighs to better ram himself against Bill. Laying his head back on the couch, Bill dug his heels into the floor to pound into John, whimpering as he felt John’s body starting to tighten around his cock. 

“ _ John! Fuck, John! You’re gonna make me cum! _ ” Pulling John’s cock faster, Bill bit his lip trying to hold on as John’s lengthy fingers dug into his knees and he slammed himself down hastily.

“ _ Oh Bill! Fuck! I’m cumming! Yes! Fuck! FUCK! _ ” Stilling above him, John’s knees wove inward as streaks of cum shot over his shirt, eyes rolling. 

Body constricting around Bill, he gathered John to him with a stuttering whine. “ _ Fuck, John! Fuck! _ ” Hips jumping up erratically as he came, Bill panted open mouthed against John’s neck, arms holding one another as they quivered and sought composure.

Sitting back, John chuckled when he got a look at the state Bill was in. The Stefon wig sliding down the front of his forehead, cheeks flushed, and his eyeliner smeared from sweat, he was a mess. Helping him remove the wig the rest of the way, John scrunched his fingers through his shaggy, damp chestnut hair.

“Fuck, thank you.” Bill tossed it back. “Much better.” Smirking to himself, John shook his head. “What?” Bill looked at him curiously.

Tugging on the front of Bill’s Ed Hardy shirt, John grinned. “No one would ever really believe Stefon is a top.” Giggling, Bill drew John in for another kiss, finding it difficult because they were both smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read! If you enjoyed this story, please leave a comment or come say hi on tumblr at fandomtransmandom. I also take requests!


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